One of my favorite indulgences on Hulu is a show called The Bold Type. It tells the story of three best friends who all work at a women's magazine not entirely unlike Cosmopolitan, and all their foibles and learning experiences, from how to quit and look for a new job, to checking your privilege, to learning that it's not okay to slut shame another woman just because she's really good at her job (and also maybe is sleeping with the company's lawyer), and it's basically like Devil Wears Prada as a TV show, but with less yelling, a bit more diversity and body positivity, and no Meryl Streep.
One of the story arcs includes a same sex relationship between two of the characters, one of whom has been out for quite a while, and the other of whom is still exploring her sexuality and has just realized that she's bisexual (yay for bi visibility in the media! Woot woot!) -- this relationship with another woman is very new to her as she's only ever had romantic and sexual relationships with men.
At one point during the show, we see the happy couple experience some trouble in paradise when they begin to argue over the fact that our newly out bisexual character won't go down on her girlfriend. As the episode progresses, we learn that the character is nervous -- she's never done it before, so what if she doesn't like it? What if her girlfriend doesn't like the way she does it? How does she even go about doing it? Etc. etc.
All very valid questions and concerns.
It all gets resolved and wrapped up with a nice pretty bow when at the end of the episode the two lovers fall into dalliance, and the bisexual newbie disappears beneath the comforter to presumably go down on her girlfriend.
There's something to be said for her just "going for it" in spite of her fears. She also makes an excellent point later in the episode about essentially having the same equipment and knowing what she likes herself and basically just trying that.
So here's where the how to guide comes into play (and this guide is applicable to all types of genitals, so don't be discouraged by my opening tale of two ciswomen if you're not into performing oral sex on vulvas). Maybe one day you'll find yourself with a partner whose genitals aren't the same setup as what you're used to working with. Or maybe you'll find yourself wanting to give oral sex for the first time ever, with a new partner or with a partner you've been with for 57 years. And when we're in relationship, we like to know that the things we do are enjoyable, that we're bringing our partner pleasure. Their pleasure is our pleasure.
Step 1: Put all your expectations away. Trying something for the first time, whether it's the first time with a new partner, or first time ever, very rarely ever goes the way we anticipate or expect. It's probably gonna be weird, there will probably be some awkward laughter, and there will probably need to be some adjustments and recalibrations. That's all NORMAL and OKAY! So go with it!
Step 2: Focus on pleasure, not orgasm. Sure, the Big O is great and fun and all, and has lots of health benefits, but as a general rule of thumb, when it comes to sex, the end goal should never ever ever be orgasm. Orgasm can happen and that can be awesome, but if the only goal of sex with your partner(s) is orgasm, things can get pretty stressful pretty fast, especially if you're trying something new (like giving the best oral sex ever). There are many reasons orgasm might not happen, or may be difficult to reach, and if it's not happening, or not happening the way we expect (see Step 1), then it can create in us the tendency to mark the experience as an epic failure, even if everyone was having a great time up to the point that orgasm didn't happen. The measure of "best" should be in how much the act is enjoyed, and 99% of sex can be enjoyed without orgasm. That's a whole blog post for another time though. Just keep in mind to take orgasm out of the equation, and just have fun with it!
Step 3: ASK. This is where people get caught up. They read a book (or an online how to guide), they attend a class, they watch a video, and they dive right in, forgetting the very crucial step of ASKING what it is their partner wants. Here's the thing: there are certain parts of the human body that are more or less sensitive or responsive to stimuli, and that varies from person to person, and sometimes from day to day in the same person, for lots of reasons! So in trying something new (or even something old), the best way to get the best response and have the best time is to ASK your partner what they want and what feels good to them. The book you read may say that the best technique involves you doing such and such with your tongue on this part of their genitals for x amount of time while your fingers do this other thing. And that may feel AWESOME on some or even most people. It may not feel great to your partner. And the only way to KNOW how it feels for your partner is to ask them.
Yup. Open your mouth, and not just to put it immediately on their genitals. And asking can be made a sexy part of the game. "Hey, baby, I read that doing x y z can feel really good -- is that something that feels good to you?" or "What's your favorite part of your body to touch when you masturbate? I wanna touch/lick/suck on it for you."
And so on.
Step 4: LISTEN. It does no one any good to ask for direction and guidance if you're just going to ignore it. If your partner says that doing x y z feels good, and you're comfortable and able to accommodate, give it a shot! On the flipside of that, if your partner has expressed that doing x y z doesn't feel good for them, please don't do that thing, no matter how much you've read or seen that people with that same set of genitals absolutely love that move. Not only is it unsexy and not going to bring your partner pleasure, but it's a blatant violation of consent. To that end, if you're uncomfortable attempting to fulfill a certain request, you don't have to either, because you have boundaries that also deserve respect. That brings us to ...
Step 5: Make adjustments as necessary. If you're having a hard time fulfilling a particular request due to body logistics (yours or theirs), or discomfort for other reasons, or you're just not feeling that particular part of the act, ask for feedback or suggestions for a plan B, or even offer suggestions of your own so that the request can be accommodated. TV and movies have this awful habit of showing sex as this thing that just happens and everyone knows what feels good for everyone else and no one ever has to ask for a pillow under their hips, or needs to pull out their favorite toy to use during sex, or says they need a break because their butt is cramping up. In real world sex, that stuff needs to happen all the time. Because if you or your partner aren't comfortable, it's okay to make adjustments so everyone has the most fun. Remember, sex should be pleasureable for everyone involved (note: pleasure doesn't equal orgasm (it can, but it doesn't have to), so if you're having a good time and not necessarily having orgasms, good for you!), and part of that definitely starts with comfort.
Step 6: Repeat. As much and as often as you and your partner like.
And that's it! That's all there is to it! Yes, it really is that simple. As an added bonus step that fits somewhere in the beginning, middle, or end (it really can go anywhere), you and your partner can learn new tips and techniques together. Read the same book together. Take a class together. Watch some porn together. And don't be afraid to continue trying new things -- just keep in mind these simple steps, keep the lines of communication open, and above all, have fun!
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