The Etiquette of Unicorn Hunting

In the earlier days of my sex toy party business, I once had a couple client that had emailed me to ask about adding a third to their relationship for some no strings attached sexy fun times. While I had to explain that helping them procure a third was a bit beyond the scope of my job description at the time, I did point them in a few directions to some resources where they might be able to find what they were looking for (I'll share a few of those resources further down, and on the resources page of the site).

Since then, whether it be a result of the types of people I've chosen to surround myself with, or just the general growing open-mindedness of people in general, I'm pleased to notice that all manner of beyond monogamous relationships are getting a bit more attention, from relationships that can be described as monogamish, to full on polyamorous -- pleased, because I truly and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that so many unhappy endings to modern day relationships could have been avoided if only the people involved had been able to understand, name, and honor their less than monogamous leanings.

A multi partnered relationship dynamic is nothing new, though it may seem that way as more and more poly folks come out as poly, and as it gets a bit more recognition in pop culture and media. Many cultures still today practice a poly setup, though from my understanding (and I'm no sociologist or anthropologist), the dynamics may be a bit more supportive of overall patriarchy and the oppression of women. The practice of taking many wives, as well as mistresses and concubines, dates back thousands of years into our collective human history. The reasons may have been different back then (more about securing one's patriarchal legacy than satisfying emotional needs for affection and belonging), but to see that we've carried this relational setup all the way up to now should come as no surprise.

With a poly dynamic getting so much hype, however, it brings some not so pleasing side effects. Namely, it brings with it scores of couples wanting to "try out" a third for a one time fling because they think it'll bring some heat and spice to a floundering relationship (or even a stable one that just wants to try something new). Now, there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with wanting to try something new and exciting with your partner, and there is certainly nothing inherently wrong with inviting an extra person or two into the relationship to achieve it. What is wrong, however, is that the third ends up being an awkward third wheel that's essentially treated as a living, breathing sex toy, and then discarded as soon as the couple has been satisfied. And that's not okay. It's not okay, because thirds (or fourths if you're into swinging or wife swapping) are actual human beings. They have feelings. They have needs. They have sexual desires and fantasies and boundaries. They are not a mythical, magical creature who exists solely for the pleasure of the couple seeking them out.

So, if you're wanting to make a foray into the world of open relationships and polyamorous trysts, and you want to not be a total jerk about it, it's important to keep in mind some general etiquette.

First of all, banish from your mind the very idea of the perfect fantasy person that you and your partner have probably been fantasizing about and expecting -- this person who, in most fantasies, is a conventionally attractive, thin, white, bisexual ciswoman, who wants only to make you come, who will give you and your partner lots of orgasms, and then who will quietly leave when all is said and done. This person is what is known as a Unicorn, because they don't really exist. Remember that bit before about thirds having feelings and needs? Yup, still true.

Have you got that fantasy out of your head? Good. Now we're ready to move on to the fun stuff.

Finding a third is a lot like dating monogamously, if that's what you're used to. There are plenty of websites, apps, and bars/clubs (if you know where to look) that either cater directly to this particular interest, or that at least make space for someone who is looking to fill that need. Tinder can be a good place to start. FetLife can also be a great resource (note, FetLife is NSFW, so be sure to check your surroundings before logging on). Adult Friend Finder also has a special place for couples seeking a third, or even couples seeking another couple.

It's important to remember, again, that the person or people you're looking to play with are still human beings. Don't solicit them with an unrequested picture of your genitals right off the bat. Start with something like "hi". Be kind, be considerate, and get to know the person/couple first. Safety should be everyone's top priority (yours included) and no one is going to want to play with you and your partner if they can't feel confident that you aren't a psycho killer (and you want to make sure they also aren't a psycho killer). If you're chatting with someone on a site or app or at a social event that isn't specifically for poly hookups, be tactful and up front about your intentions. You don't want to waste their time or lead them on, and you certainly don't want to waste your time if your super fun third or couple is somewhere else. Once you've established some rapport with the person or couple by saying hi and introducing yourself and getting the pleasantries out of the way, and if you feel that a connection is beginning to form, politely mention, "Hey, I just want to be up front, because I'm feeling like we've got some chemistry going. My partner and I would love to play with you. Is that something you're interested in?" If they say no, move on. Don't be creepy or weird about it. Accept the rejection and move on.

If they say yes, then hurray for you! You're part of the way there!

Yes, you're not in quite yet. Remember, consent has to be ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time. If the person or couple that's just agreed to play with you and your partner hasn't already met with your partner also, it's important that they do. It's best to meet on neutral grounds -- go have lunch together, or coffee, or grab a drink -- something where it's low stakes and everyone involved can get to know each other better and get comfortable. Yes, I know this sounds kind of like a date. If planning something in advance feels a bit more committal than what you're looking for, the getting to know you can be done all right then and there, but again, it's best if done before you get to the bedroom and the clothes start coming off.

Part of this getting to know you/mini date/call it what you will is to leave room for the negotiating. We negotiate all the time, in sexual and non sexual situations. The more people that are involved, and the higher the stakes, the more negotiating and boundary setting that needs to happen. Be up front about your needs, expectations, and boundaries as a couple -- ideally it's best if the two of you have discussed those needs, expectations, and boundaries ahead of time -- and then listen to what the needs, expectations, and boundaries of the other person/couple are. What sort of fling are you looking for? Do you want a third or another couple to just watch you and your partner have sex? Do you want to interact with the third/other couple through kissing and touching? What about genital contact? What about fluid swapping (kissing, urinating, ejaculating)? What sorts of expectations and boundaries does each party have about safer sex practices and the prevention of STIs and pregnancy (external condoms? internal condoms? dental dams? gloves? sharing toys?). It's incredibly important for everyone to be on the same page. If you're finding that things just aren't meeting up comfortably, then it's okay to walk away. Thank the other person/couple for their time, let them know you wish them well on all their own sexy adventures, and part ways amicably. Just like you shouldn't push their boundaries, you shouldn't move yours just to have the experience. I promise you: there is definitely someone out there whose boundaries and expectations are the same as yours.

Once you've all agreed on the expectations and boundaries, now it's time to have fun! But don't forget: consent is ongoing and things and feelings can change. Check in frequently with your partners to make sure everyone is having a good time, and if, at any point, it's no longer feeling fun, it's okay to end the scene. If it's your third/couple that chooses to bow out, be respectful of their needs and boundaries. Is it a disappointment? Sure. But you won't die. Again, thank the other party for their time and their participation, and move on. If it's you and/or your partner that needs to change things up and end the scene, that's okay too. Especially if this is something you're trying for the first time, reality may not meet expectations of a super hot steamy sexy scene where everyone has multiple orgasms. It can be complicated managing so many body parts at once, especially with strangers. Acknowledge and honor that, and know it's okay to end things and part ways.

And finally, assuming you all make it to the finish line together and everyone had a great time, you get to decide where you want to go from there! If it initially started as a one time thing and everyone's in agreement that it should remain thus, then great. High five, hug, shake hands, thank each other, and move on. It was a great time for everyone! If, however, you had so much fun you'd like to do it again, then you get to go back to step one of the negotiating. Remember though, this third/couple is a person/are people with feelings and needs. Maybe they're content to leave things as they are, and that's okay. Be respectful of that. Now you and your partner get to have fun finding someone new to play with! Hit those resources up and see who else you can find.

Ultimately, the running theme in the etiquette of unicorn hunting is the same theme that runs through the etiquette of all human relationships, sexual or not: be respectful. This third you're looking for, be it a single person or a couple, or a throuple, or whatever the dynamic, is not some magical creature put on this earth to fulfill your sexual desires and nothing else; they are not human sex toys. They are entering into relationship with you, however fleeting, and that requires reciprocity of respect. Respect their needs, their boundaries, their expectations, and I guarantee you'll all walk away with a positive experience, even if no one has orgasms.