Happy Anal August, beauties! In honor of the month, I'm coming to you with some booty loving tips so you can celebrate accordingly, and safely.
Back when I was actively doing my sex toy parties, this was one of my absolute favorite topics to teach on, because it often got people out of their comfort zones, got them to safely try something new that they didn't even know they were interested in trying out, and certainly got some laughs when I did my dolphin impression (if you've been to one of my parties, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about; if not, just imagine Flipper the dolphin, and now imagine that's the sound coming out of a person's mouth when you do anal WRONG).
Whether it's something you've tried before and weren't sure about then, and are willing to try again; or it's something you'd like to try for the first time; or you have no desire to try it, but you'd like to learn more about it, keep on reading!
First, I'd like to clear up some myths about anal play:
1. Only gay men enjoy giving or receiving anal play. False! People of all genders and orientations enjoy engaging in all types of anal play! Doesn't matter what set of genitals you're rocking, what sort of pronouns you use, or how you identify on the Kinsey scale, the fact of the matter is that anal play stimulates a very nerve dense and sensitive area and can feel very good if done right. For people with prostates, anal play can give very intense prostate orgasms; for people with vaginas and g-spots, it can give very intense g-spot orgasms from a whole new angle.
2. Straight men who receive anal sex/play will turn gay. Heterosexual cismen especially seem to be concerned with this, especially if they're on the receiving end of any sort of anal play. The only thing that can determine your sexuality is you, and at the end of the day, only you get to determine what labels fit and align with your values. It's totally fine if you, as a cisman, receive anal play, love it, and decide you're suddenly gay because of it, but that's not really how that works. If, for whatever reason that is how it happens for you, the good news is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, so there you have it. Also, see mythbuster number 1 above.
3. Only lesbians/bisexual women like to use strap-ons. Not true, friends. Strap-ons aren't just for butch lesbians! There can be an intoxicating exchange of power and shift in dynamics when you involve a strap-on to penetrate a partner, regardless of your own pronouns and identity, and regardless of your partner's pronouns and identity. That'll be a whole different post in the future, but for now, just know that there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, and that strapping it on doesn't make you one anyway. And if you're using a strap-on to peg your cisman partner, it won't suddenly make him gay if he enjoys it (see mythbuster number 2 above).
4. "Real" anal play involves penetration. Ha! Nope! It can involve penetration, if that's what you and your partner(s) want. But anal play can be as simple and non invasive as a simple finger on the trigger, if you will. No penetration, no going inside, just stimulating and massaging the outside of the anus. Or, you can even take it one step back and keep it to just the butt cheeks. Those babies can feel SO good when you massage them. Real anal play is any play involving that entire area. Don't let anyone make the definitions for you. Do what feels good and right for you.
Alright, have we got those cleared up? Good. Let's move right along to the fun stuff then.
In order to do anal play right, and in a way that's safe, it's important to keep in mind a few key rules -- call them rules for ultimate pleasure. Because when you follow these rules, and you incorporate them into every instance of anal play and stimulation, it elevates the experience to a whole new level.
RULE #1: COMMUNICATION
All sex play should involve ongoing communication between all parties involved, beginning and ending with positive and enthusiastic and freely given consent. No (or withdrawn) consent, no sexy fun times. But especially when it comes to something like anal play, you want to make sure that you not only feel empowered and safe to voice what feels good and what doesn't, but you want to trust that your partner is going to respond to those cues accordingly, as well as voice their own needs. If you're on the giving end of anal play, be sure to check in frequently with your partner. Ask things like "how is this? does this feel okay? do you want me to go deeper? do you want me to slow down?" This is especially pertinent if you're using a strap-on or any sort of toy, since you can't feel what's happening the way you would if you were using a part of your own body. If you're on the receiving end, you're in the driver's seat, friend. You've got all the power and control, and it's up to you to guide the scene. Let your partner know what you need, whether you need more or less of something, or something different entirely. If something feels good and you want more of it, tell them! If something isn't feeling right, or feels uncomfortable or painful, tell them! Don't ignore pain -- pain is telling you something, and when you're dealing with such delicate tissues and membranes as are found in the anus, it's important to heed that pain or discomfort right away to avoid sustaining injuries or damage.
RULE #2: RELAXATION
So often, I think people have this vision in their head that anal is just one of those things you try in a drunken stupor. You bend over, giggling, and slur out "babe, you know what we should try? You should- you should just stick it in my butt. Just stick it in my butt, babe!" And babe sticks it in your butt. Cue Flipper the dolphin noises. For the record, babe should NOT just stick it in your butt. The anus is very nerve dense and sensitive. Like a genie in a bottle, you've got to rub it the right way, and part of that means you work up to full on penetration (if that's what you want). I always like to instruct people to start off by doing other things with their bodies that feel good first, and if you can, have an orgasm or two before you move on to the back door. It gets you in the mood, and relaxes your mind and body. Take your time! It's not a race, not a sprint. Don't rush the moment -- savor the sensations in your body. Have maybe a drink beforehand (not too much -- you don't want to dull the sensations). Watch porn together, use toys, have a bath, massage each other, whatever it is that relaxes you and gets your mind and body feeling fully relaxed and feeling good.
RULE #3: LUBRICATION
News flash: the anus is NOT a self lubricating part of the body. The vagina, which is designed for accepting penises and fingers and toys, is a self cleaning, self lubricating organ. It's flexible and elastic and does its best to allow for penetration. The anus on the the other hand has one biological function: ridding the body of waste. Since the body has other ways of ensuring that's a safe and easy function, the anus itself doesn't lubricate, and doesn't necessarily require too much flexibility and stretching. This is why we need to provide a little help by using a body safe lubricant, like Sliquid Sassy. Make sure to lube up whatever is going in or near the anus, as well as the outside and a little bit of the inside of the anus as well -- this will ensure comfort and pleasure, and decrease the risk of tearing the delicate tissue. The wetter the better!
RULE #4: STIMULATION
Start small when it comes to stimulating the anus. I think a lot of people are in a rush to be able to accommodate something the size of a penis, and that's just not how the butt works. You need to tease it, get to know it, make friends with it, say nice things to it, and be gentle. Start with a finger, and if you're having partnered sex, don't be afraid to use your own finger to stimulate the anus so that you have greater control over the act, or to help show them just what feels good for you. Use toys designed for the anus, like some of the ones you can find on SheVibe's website, as many of them are small and tapered and designed to make penetration more comfortable, pleasurable, and safe. And for the love of all that is orgasmic and holy, don't leave out other parts of your body that feel good just because you happen to be focusing mainly on the anus. Genital stimulation, nipple stimulation, and stimulation of other personal erogenous zones can take the experience up to a whole new height. It can also help to maintain a more relaxed state of mind when you or your partner are touching parts of your/their body that feel good. It's also super important not to use anything that numbs the anus, especially if you're just trying out anal play for the first time. If anal play is uncomfortable or painful, then something is wrong. Don't ignore the pain or discomfort. Listen to and honor your body's messages and make changes in your technique or tools if something doesn't feel right.
BONUS RULES
These ones aren't as necessary as the previous four, but can certainly add to the experience and help one ease into the pleasure and sensations. They're more like optional add-ons.
1. Clean things out with an enema beforehand. If poop squicks you out, or you just happen to be really hygiene focused, this tip might be a handy one to keep in mind. You can purchase enemas over the counter at your local drugstore. Just be sure to use warm, plain water and not the mixture that's included in the packaging as that often contains a laxative, which can definitely lead to a night of sitting on the toilet and not a night of sexy fun time. Use the enema until water runs clear or mostly clear. Bear in mind though, you're dealing with the part of the body whose only natural function is poop, so even with taking this precaution, poop and smells might still happen. It's all a part of the experience.
2. Gloves and condoms and dental dams can add an extra layer of protection. Depending on your and your partner's(s') safer sex practices and boundaries, using latex or nitrile gloves, condoms, and/or dental dams can be helpful, to help create a protective barrier between the anus and any fingers, toys, mouths, or penises that might be going near it. This is also good to keep in mind if those fingers, mouths, toys, and/or penises are going from the anus to a vagina, the anus to a mouth, or from one anus to another (ie sharing toys, etc.). Discuss this with your partner(s) to determine where your and their boundaries and preferences are.
Above all, have fun. Remember my post on how to give oral sex? Essentially all the same rules apply. Anal play, just like any other type of sex play, is not one size fits all. Keep the communication flowing, don't be afraid to make adjustments, and throw all expectations out the window with your clothes. It's about pleasure and experiencing the pleasure as fully as you can, whether orgasms happen or not.
Happy Anal August!
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