For those of you who don't know, by day I work as a domestic violence victim advocate for our region's only licensed domestic violence and sexual assault program. While a huge portion of my work is devoted entirely to advocating for the rights and safety of victims and survivors of domestic violence, another huge chunk of my responsibility is dedicated to our county's domestic violence task force, for which I am the coordinator.
We have monthly meetings comprising folx all across the community and its various agencies and programs, from law enforcement to military and veteran services to mental health providers. At our last meeting, we had three new members, one of whom said something that really got me thinking.
We got onto the topic of criminal investigations and victims and survivors who recant their testimony and/or ultimately return to their abuser. This particular member brought up that one of the many reasons victims/survivors often return to their abusers is that they haven't been shown what a safe and healthy and loving relationship looks like. They grew up with domestic violence in the home as a child and witnessed horrific things, all done in the name of "love", and so when it came time for them to enter into relationship with an intimate partner, they gravitated towards what was familiar and normal to them, no matter how much it hurt.
I think this is absolutely, 100% valid.
Part of what our agency does is a prevention education component. We have an advocate who goes into the schools and teaches healthy relationships, coping skills, and consent. She does great work, and I know that it has helped many children and adolescents to feel supported, to learn to set boundaries, and to learn to respect the boundaries of others.
And I think we (we as a whole, as a culture, as a society, as a global community) can do more.
Think about the current way sex education is taught in schools. Most curricula are abstinence only based, and teach a fear mongering, aversion oriented approach to sex -- essentially, that if you have sex, you will get chlamydia or pregnant (or both) and die. Children who learn this perspective of sex ed grow up with shame around their desires, with questions about their needs, and with judgement in their hearts towards their peers who inevitably will have sex. They grow up without the knowledge they require to keep themselves safe from unwanted consequences like STIs or pregnancy before they're ready. They grow up not even being taught, though somehow suspecting, that sex can be and should be pleasurable.
They end up turning towards porn to answer their questions, and we all know how problematic that can be (that kids are learning sex from porn, not porn itself). They're learning about pleasure and consent and boundaries from porn, which is mostly geared towards the white cis hetero man, which often objectifies women and depicts zero communication about boundaries or consent, which most of the time shows that only one person in the sex act is entitled to pleasure (the man) and that the woman's pleasure comes solely from providing pleasure to him. They're learning that only one body type is entitled to pleasure. They're learning that sex is goal oriented towards the man's orgasm, that rock hard erections are the standard for giving pleasure, and that penis in vagina easily gives orgasms. They're learning that anything other than straight, thin, white, young, able bodied sex is a kink or a fetish (in order to find porn that involves bodies of other sizes, abilities, ages, or skin tones, or folx outside of the gender binary or heterosexual orientation you have to specifically search for it -- the fact that it doesn't just show up in abundance when searching for porn, or that it requires separate labeling, is indicative of the fact that it's not considered the norm).
By the time children have grown into adolescents that are beginning to explore sexually with others, they have received the messages that sex is shameful, that cismen are entitled to pleasure at any cost, and that women exist only to give men pleasure and cater to their needs. They haven't had the conversations about what equitable, consensual, respectful pleasure looks like, and this is how they're entering into relationship with one another.
What if when we taught sex ed, we taught it from a pleasure based perspective that incorporated consent, boundaries, and body autonomy in all aspects of all relationships? What if, instead of scare tactics showing stigmatized portrayals of STIs we taught the truth: that STIs are preventable through open and transparent communication about safer sex practices and boundaries, and that even in the case that one is contracted, it by no means diminishes one's value or worth as a human being, and that one can still go on to live a very sexually fulfilling and otherwise successful life. What if we validated young people's desires and curiosities about their bodies, equipped them with language to express those desires and curiosities, and met those curiosities and desires with suggestions for safe and healthy outlets that empower them to make the right choices for their own bodies? If we told them, yes, sex and relationships can and should be pleasurable, for all parties involved, and that in order for that to happen, each person engaging in the relationship (and/or the sex) needs to have space held for their boundaries, needs, and desires. In order for sex to be the pleasurable thing that it is, each person needs to be enthusiastic and into the sex, and you can only find that out by asking for consent, and consent needs to be freely given. Without consent, pleasure cannot happen for everyone. Everyone is entitled to consensual pleasure, regardless of age, race, ethnicity, ability, body type, gender, or orientation.
And what if we took it a step further and expanded pleasure out beyond the sexual? Pleasure can be so many things! It's what Marie Kondo describes as that "spark of joy." We can find pleasure in anything -- in the food we eat, the people we talk to, the media we consume, the clothes we dress ourselves in, the decor we fill our homes with, the sensations we allow ourselves to experience through touch and taste and smell and sound and sight. What if we cleaned house with our relationships and kept only the things that sparked joy for us, that gave us pleasure?
Think about this for a second. What if our young people grew up with that message instead of the current rhetoric on sex? What would their relationships look like if they knew that they were entitled to pleasure in all things, including and excluding sex? If they could internalize that message, and truly feel it and know it?
Well, in an ideal world, people would understand, ask for, and respect consent and boundaries. But it would also look like people seeking out consensual pleasure for themselves, in all of their relationships, even their sexual ones. It would mean that people, women identified folx especially, would seek out relationships and experiences where they could receive and give pleasure in equal and equitable measure. It would mean that when a boundary violation occurred they could recognize it, they could know they weren't responsible for it, and could seek the support they required for it in order to reconcile it and heal from it. It would mean that, all other reasons aside (and again, there are many reasons people often return to their abusers, most of which are tied to systemic oppression), people who experienced abuse and oppression would not return to the abuse out of a desire to uphold the relationship above all else, or out of a belief that the abuse was done in the name of love, because they would know that love and pleasure (of all kinds) must go together, and that if it doesn't bring pleasure, and instead brings fear, pain, stress, and trauma responses, then it isn't love.
I'm not claiming that pleasure based sex ed (I'd even go so far as to suggest calling it relationship education, as this goes so far beyond just sex) is the end all be all to ending domestic violence or even to keeping victims/survivors from returning to their abusers. Domestic violence is far, far, far more nuanced and complicated than that. But I think it's a damn good start to changing the culture and the way we view victims/survivors, and towards shifting the blame back onto the abusers themselves where it rightfully belongs. I think it could be a great start to ending the cycle of abuse we often see in families. I think it could be the beginning of a generation of consent minded young people who grow into consent minded adults.
It could be the start of people who believe in and seek out consensual pleasure in all things, and who seek to give as much as they get, in a way that respects and safeguards others. Wouldn't we all be better people for that?
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