Sex positivity. It's a phrase that seems to be thrown all over the internet and social media when talking about everything from regular gyno checkups to choosing the right STI and pregnancy prevention for you and your partner(s). However, there seems to be some confusion about what sex positivity really means. Today, I wanted to clear up some of the myths and misconceptions about what it means to be sex positive.
Sex positivity does NOT mean that you:
• Have tons of sex, or think everyone else should have tons of sex (particularly with strangers or in groups)
• Have sex at all
• Want to just walk around naked all the time, or think others should
• Watch tons of porn, or think that everyone else should
• Are without religion or any sort of moral compass
• Are corrupt in anyway
• Have no boundaries
• Want to talk about sex all the time, and think that everyone else should too (or at the very least, should suffer to listen to you talk about sex all the time) • Think about nothing but sex
• Enjoy kinky sex and all things kink • Are queer, or part of the LGBTQIA+ community
• Are a sex worker
• Are big into politics
• Are pro choice
Etc. There are actually quite a bit of interesting and some even downright negative stereotypes and beliefs about what it means to be sex positive, and it certainly doesn't help that there are people that call themselves sex positive and in the same breath degrade sex workers; anyone who has sex with many people; anyone who creates or consumes porn; or, on the other end of the spectrum, degrades anyone who chooses a more sexually conservative lifestyle.
So here's what it really means when you break it down to its core: sex positivity is an attitude that supports the idea that all individuals, regardless of race, religion, socioeconomic status, gender identity, career, or anything else that makes them unique, have the right to live their sexual lives in whatever way feels right and authentic to them, within the boundaries of consent, and receiving basic human respect regardless of their sexual choices. It also means that you support open, honest, and inclusive education, for yourself and others, in a context and environment that suits the needs of the individual, about sex and sexual health related topics so that people truly can live a sexual life that feels right and authentic to them.
Basically, don't be a jerk, and be open to learning new things, whether you choose to live those new things or simply let others live those new things. Live your own sexual life how you like, and let people live their sexual lives however they like, as long as everyone consents. As a layperson who lives in the world, this means you aren't passing judgement on a loved one or a stranger who makes different sexual choices than what you might choose, or who identifies their gender or expression of that gender in a way that is contrary to how you might identify or express your own gender. As a professional who may sometimes need to address issues of sexual health, this means you are directing or educating from a place of love and support and a desire for people to be healthy and happy, however that looks for them. You are not rendering service or guidance in the hopes of swaying someone to your perspective of what sexual health or freedom looks like. As a consumer of sex and sex related products and services, this means that you approach said products and services, and the people who provide them, with respect for their humanity and individuality (ie, be respectful of sex workers' time and emotional labor and don't assume the dildo lady enjoys your unsolicited dick pics just because she slings dildos for a living). Whether you agree with their choices or not, whether you are taking part in an act or a service or a product or not, the person on the other side of the equation is still a human being with rights to human decency and respect.
Take the time to learn about different relationship dynamics and modalities, different communications styles, different genders, and different ways of sexual expression, without feeling the need to correct or interject. You don't have to take an advanced degree track in human sexuality to learn these things -- it's as simple as letting people share their truths with you while you hear their experiences and consider how you fit this information into your current understanding of the broad spectrum of sex and sexuality, and how you might be supportive of their journey in a way that feels authentic to you (in other words, if it aligns with your values to cheer someone on or provide them with resources, do so; if it doesn't, then it's okay to simply nod and accept that they're living their best life, and it doesn't have to do anything with you or you living your best sexual life). You don't have to subscribe to the same belief system, or even fully understand why a person would make such a choice or feel such a way. You don't have to like it or agree with it or choose it for yourself. You only need to be a decent, respectful human being, and trust that each person can make the best choices for themselves and their bodies.
And even if you have days of feeling like people are pretty stupid, and maybe even too stupid to make the best choices for themselves and their bodies, it doesn't matter, because ultimately, unless you're choosing to engage sexually with another person, their sexual choices are actually not your business anyway.
So as you go about your day and your life, if sex positivity is a goal of yours (and it should be if you're a human who is interested in coexisting peacefully with other humans), consider how you can be more supportive of people living their best sexual lives, whatever that looks like to them, and maybe even how you can expand your own worldview and experience to ensure that you're living your own best sexual life, whatever that looks like to you. Sometimes that means sharing or receiving helpful links and resources. Sometimes it means encouraging someone to make a choice they've already expressed would make them happy and fulfilled, or receiving the encouragement of a trusted loved one to try something new. Sometimes it means sticking up for someone who belongs to an othered and oppressed group, especially if your voice carries privilege and power, or speaking your own needs and sexual truths as a member of an othered or oppressed group. And sometimes it means shutting the hell up and keeping your opinions to yourself -- like the old adage goes: if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
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