A reader asked: Is it normal for a young girl to masturbate?
The short answer is: yes!
The long answer is: yes, and there is context that needs to be recognized and respected. This one might be a bit of a longer read, so settle in and get comfy.
Children begin touching and exploring their genitals even before they're born. It's a normal part of the human experience that begins as learning about their bodies and the world and that grows into a deeper, more meaningful exploration of pleasure, whether that pleasure is sexual or merely sensual and tactile, and this experience is not dictated by the types of genitals a child has. We may socialize those with vulvas more strictly against touching their genitals and masturbating, but the urge and the desire and the behavior is common, normal, and natural regardless.
Now, when I say that even babies in the womb touch their genitals, I'm not suggesting that they are doing what we'd think of as masturbating. Mostly, it's accidental, unconscious, without any meaning attached to it on the part of the fetus. But it is a normal part of prenatal fetal development -- practicing motor skills, developing sensory experience, that sort of thing. It's only after they're born that the adults and caregivers in that child's life begin to ascribe meaning and value to the actions of touching one's own genitals, and people tend to have reactions all across the spectrum, from delight and encouragement, to awkward redirection, to outright horror that a child should touch their own bodies, particularly "down there". Children respond to and internalize those reactions and will develop their own sense of whether touching their own genitals is okay or not and under what circumstances based on those reactions and the guidance of their caregivers, so it's extremely important that if you are in a caregiving role to a child in your life, you help to provide messages that aren't shaming of the act itself and that don't restrict a child from exploring this most central part of their world: their own body.
Babies and toddlers explore the world around them through touch. If you've ever observed a baby or toddler left to their own devices, you've probably noticed their hands grab and reach for everything, and often it goes straight into the mouth. This includes toys, shoes, food, garbage, dirt, Tide pods, mom's jewelry, dad's glasses, the dog's tail, their own hands and feet -- it's all part of them learning about the world around them. Most of these things are probably okay for them to touch and learn about in this way; some are not. The dividing line between those two categories usually falls onto what is safe and what is dangerous. Toys? Safe, as long as the toys are age appropriate. Tide pods? Do not ingest, and do not feed to your baby or toddler. Dog's tail? Dog probably won't like it, but that's a gray area, depending on the dog, how well it's been socialized, and the overall aggressiveness of the animal. Child's own hands and feet? No problem, as long as they're relatively clean.
But then we get to the genitals. Now, sadly, many adults have been raised to believe that their own genitals are dirty in some way, and that touching them will cause their hands and very moral essence to be tainted, and this value has been so ingrained that they can't help but pass this on to the children in their care and lives. I honestly believe that most caregivers are not trying to make the children in their lives feel bad or shamed; it's just that they can't get around this idea that genitals are a cause of illness and moral corruption.
Let's set the record straight: genitals are not inherently dirty. When cleaned properly, as with the rest of one's body, they're actually pretty clean and sanitary, no more dirty than the bottom of your foot or your armpit. Touching your own penis will not cause the flesh of your hand to melt off, or grow hair, or cause blindness; touching your own vulva will not turn your hand into a breeding ground of bacteria or take away your virginity (which is a whole other blog post in itself). So when a child touches their own genitals, it does not carry the same inherent dangers as say, a Tide pod, or a dropped cigarette butt, or a rogue Tylenol. The latter items can poison and hurt a child; the former cannot.
So, with this physical cleanness addressed, all that's left is the moral value assigned to the act. Again, depending on how you were raised and the values you've internalized about your own genitals and touching them and under what circumstances it is okay or not, the judgement call is going to vary. But inherently, all acts carry only the value and meaning that we assign to them. Touching one's own genitals is neither good nor bad; it simply is what it is.
As children continue to develop, their hands are not going to stop groping at the world around them when it comes to their own genitals. Their genitals, like their hands and feet, are a part of their bodies, a part of their world, ready to be explored and understood. When a baby or toddler is touching their genitals, they are learning about this part of their body the same way they are learning about other parts of their body and other things in their world that they can touch. How does it feel against my hands? In what ways can I manipulate it? How does it feel if I touch it in this way, or that way? How do different textures feel against my skin? Is this painful? Does this bring pleasure? (Sidenote: wouldn't it be beautiful and amazing if we could revert to this sort of innocent exploration as adults? Without values and meanings and judgments attached? Simply exploring and processing the sensations? Sigh.)
At this point, it's important to note that the sensations a child is learning about through exploring and touching their own genitals is not sexual, but sensual. Sensual in terms of touch in its most basic form, and the pleasure that this touch elicits is emotional and comforting. Children from toddlers up through teenagers will often touch their genitals as a method of self-soothing, like thumb sucking, or snuggling with a favorite blanket. It brings tactile and sensual comfort, which only becomes sexual as other parts of a child's sexuality develop.
As it becomes more sexual in nature, it becomes an exploration of sexual pleasure, preferences, needs, desires, boundaries, and fantasies, and these are all normal parts of sexual development, for girls and boys, the same way a person might learn about the foods they like or don't like, the way they like those foods to be cooked, and who they enjoy eating those foods with.
Now, before I address the ways in which we can encourage this bodily exploration in a healthy way, I do want to bring up that there are times when masturbation or touching one's own genitals can be problematic. If the behavior seems to be compulsive and obsessive, this may point to underlying concerns of anxiety in the child. If the behavior does seem to be tied to other sexualized behaviors or the child appears to have knowledge of sexual things outside of what is age appropriate, it may be cause to do a little digging to ensure that the child's physical boundaries are being respected (ie, please have open dialog with the child to make sure sexual abuse is not happening to or in front of them; if you suspect the child is being sexually abused or exploited in any way, please call your local child protective agency). If the behavior is occurring at times or in places where it is not appropriate (in public, at school in the classroom, in front of peers, etc.), then a conversation should be had about when and where it is okay to touch one's own genitals. Depending on the age of the child, a talk may be had about tools used in masturbation. I think many caregivers may be appalled at the idea of discussing sex toys with their teens, whether they have a penis or a vulva, because again, it goes back to one's own upbringing and values on the subject, but I guarantee you, children and teens are going to find things to masturbate with. They just are. It could be a pillow, a sock, a stuffed animal, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, the shower faucet, or any number of things, and just like there are safe things for babies to put into their mouths and things that aren't, there are things that are safe to use on one's genitals, and things that are not. If you want the children in your life to practice safe self-sex, then have a talk with them about safety -- properly cleaning and storing the objects they're using for pleasure, using a condom to cover it if necessary, and probably devoting that item for the sole use of masturbation, just to maintain its sanitary integrity, and also as a courtesy to anyone who may accidentally need to use one of those things for its intended use. Better yet, invest in some high quality, body safe sex toys and gift them. What better way to send the message that you care about their safety and pleasure? Of course, this is all going to depend pretty heavily on the age of the child, your relationship to them, and how the conversation about sex and masturbation has been going up to this point.
So. We've established that masturbation and touching of one's own genitals is normal and expected. How do we make sure the children in our lives are exploring in a healthy way?
1. Talk about it. Yup. If you witness it happening, don't ignore it or pretend it's not happening. It can and will probably feel super weird when you first see your child consciously touching their genitals, or rocking suspiciously back and forth on a toy or their foot or a pillow, and that's why it's important to begin having these discussions even when they're babies. Yes, really. When you're changing a diaper or giving a bath, and you see the child touching their genitals, acknowledge it, give it a name, call the parts what they are. We have no problem saying "Look at you, you've found your toes!! Look at your cute little toes!", but genitals get glossed over entirely, or given completely ridiculous names like "tutu", "peepee", and "cookie". Don't do that. Practice saying the words "penis", "testicles", and "vulva". Practice saying things like "Oh! You've found your penis/testicles/vulva!" They're just body parts. They're just. body. parts.
2. Help them set appropriate boundaries. This includes boundaries about place, time, and who's around if they're touching their genitals or masturbating. Boundaries can be taught in everyday life in even the most low stakes scenarios -- encouraging a child to wait their turn, to ask before touching a toy (and then waiting to touch until being told it's okay), and of course, encouraging them to speak their boundaries, and respecting the "no" or "yes" that is given (within the context of maintaining the child's safety and wellbeing of course). If a child does not want to hug or kiss you or a friend or a relative, respect that. If they don't want to be tickled or high fived, respect that. If they don't want to share their toy or food, respect that. Instead of forcing them, teach them empathy, compassion, and the value of freely giving love and affection through these means, so that they may learn to give and receive love and affection on their terms, and in ways that are appropriate. If you practice this from the earliest of ages, extending this conversation to masturbation will go much more smoothly and easily. It will make sense when you tell them that their body is their space, and that it's okay to touch it and explore it, but that they should only do it in private, they should only do it when their hands are clean, that they should never force anyone else to touch or view their genitals, and should never touch anyone with their genitals who has not explicitly said "yes" (this latter part of the conversation will probably come once they get a bit older, but kids do silly and ridiculous things, so it certainly can't hurt to mention this last bit). This is important, because along with exploring their own bodies, children will reach an age when they become curious about others' bodies. They will want to know what someone else's body and genitals look like, and it is vitally important for them to understand that it's never appropriate to force someone to show them their body, or to force someone to view their body who has not given consent. So set them up for success and safety by having these conversations early and often.
3. Gift them with sex toys. Again, this will depend on the age of the child and your relationship with them. It's probably not appropriate to give a masturbation sleeve to a 4 year old. A 16 or 17 year old? Unless you want to be washing crusted up semen off their socks, or wondering about the citrus fruit that's in their garbage can, it probably can't hurt to get them something that feels good, is much more hygienic, AND promotes their safety. SheVibe and the Pleasure Chest have some really great options.
4. Know that it may be something they grow into or out of. Each kid is unique, and their experience of their body is unique. Some children start off as babies who idly touch their genitals because that's where their hand happened to flop, and some will continue to actively touch and explore, and then grow out of it as they get older, or they won't. Some may never really show an interest in their own genitals or masturbation, and that's not necessarily wrong or worrisome either. It just is what it is. Either way, follow their lead, and be a positive space in their life, regardless of their interest in sex or masturbation or their own genitals.
So to recap: yes, it's totally normal and natural for girls (or people with vulvas) to touch their genitals and masturbate, whether they are young or old or tweens or teens or adults or babies. It's totally normal and natural for boys (or people with penises) to do the same. Practice teaching boundaries and consent, and redirect the behavior to more appropriate times and places when necessary.
If you suspect child abuse, call your local child protective agency right away; to find your local contact number, click here.
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