If you've ever met a sex educator, coach, or therapist who hasn't heard this question before, then that sex educator, coach, or therapist has obviously been living under a heavy rock, buried somewhere in the middle of the ocean, on another planet. This question is so common that it even makes its rounds in pretty much all of the sex and relationship themed Facebook groups I'm in.
It might even surprise you to know that the mismatch in libidos isn't always in the same direction, by which I mean that it isn't always the woman with the low libido trying to match her male partner's ever constant sex drive. In fact, many cisheterosexual couples face the dilemma wherein the male identified partner has a low or nonexistent drive and the female identified partner craves sex far more often.
That being said, I recently had a reader write in with the following question:
"I just have no real interest in sex anymore, even though my husband always wants to have sex. What can I do to be in the mood more?"
Raise your hand if you identify with this question from either perspective.
The issue here is complex and multifaceted. Unfortunately, there isn't any one right solution to resolving this concern, nor is there a quick fix, surefire way to make both libidos be on the same page. There are, however, a few different questions that need to be addressed that can help get at the heart of the issue so that steps can be taken towards overcoming the issue. While you're reading through these, I want you to keep something in mind: changes in libido are normal, they are expected, and they are not the end of the world or your relationship. With a little transparency, honest communication, and creativity, even big hiccups in sex drive can be overcome.
1. Is this a new issue? If this is a new issue, then that means something has probably changed, either in your environment, your body, or both. If you can think back to when you first started noticing a drop in your libido, try to note anything that had changed around that time. Were you and your partner arguing more, or were you feeling overall less invested in the relationship? Were there stressors in your job or home? Did you have a child recently? Did you change your diet or exercise in any way, including taking or decreasing dosage in medications or supplements (changes or additions to medications/supplements can have an effect on many body systems)? Had the season changed? Do you notice a decrease in other areas of your life (decrease in interest in activities or hobbies, decrease in appetite, decrease in overall energy)? Have you been exposed to any triggers that brought up past trauma? When you think of sex drive as an evolutionary built in switch that helps us to make more baby humans, when things don't feel settled in your environment or body, making more humans becomes less of a priority to the brain, in favor of other self preserving activities like rest, getting safe, or tending to children already in the home.
If the change in libido is new, and you're able to trace it back to any changes in your environment, relationship, or body, then it can often be a simple (though not necessarily easy) process to address those changes. Changes in lifestyle and creating habits to aid in stress reduction are often a huge help. Sometimes this means you may need to learn some deep breathing or meditation, it may mean you need to change things at work (or consider a career change altogether if it's the work itself). Sometimes it may require you to set boundaries at home with your partner(s) and/or children that allow you to have some space for decompressing and tending to your mental health. Don't be afraid to take this to a professional either. Medical doctors, functional medicine practitioners, health coaches, sex coaches, relationship therapists, and even traditional psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists can help address underlying concerns in the relationship or in your own mental health that may be contributing to the changes in your libido and interest in sex.
2. What's your fantasy life like? In some instances, changes in libido are accompanied by changes in one's fantasy life -- that is, how often they have sexual fantasies, and the content of those fantasies. If your libido has dropped significantly enough for it to concern you and/or you partner, take a quick mental inventory of what your fantasies have been like, and even your drive for masturbation. Are you still having the same frequency and content of sexy thoughts, or has that changed too? In what way? Especially if stress and the exhaustion of everyday general adulting is what's causing the decrease in your drive, it's not surprising if your mind just becomes too preoccupied with all that day to day stuff to have much time or energy for anything else. Though sometimes a change/drop in fantasizing/desire for masturbation could be a symptom of other things (like depression or anxiety) the good news is that generally, this one is easily addressed with a little creativity and prioritizing.
If a boost in your fantasy life is what your sex drive is craving, make sure that part of your self care routine includes caring for your sexual self -- and this part may be better off done without a partner. Similar to the suggestion of #1 above, it's important to set boundaries in your personal life that allow you the space to relax on your own, without having to care for or tend to the needs of others. If you decide to pick up a meditation, deep breathing, or other relaxation practice, see how you can incorporate fantasizing into that practice. Maybe you can try your hand at a little erotic fiction of your own (for your eyes only, unless you prefer to share it with your partner(s)). Maybe your yoga practice can incorporate the focus of directing energy to your erogenous zones. Maybe instead of binge watching Netflix you spend some time enjoying some ethical porn (or reading erotic fiction). Whatever it is that you do for daily self care, see what ways you can add fantasizing into that routine. When we make space for our sexual selves, and make our fantasies a priority, we can often surprise ourselves in how that part of ourselves flourishes.
3. What's the rest of your relationship look like? Good or bad, it helps to see what else is going on in the relationship that might be impacting libido and desire for sexual intimacy. Does your relationship otherwise feel safe and satisfying? Do you feel you can safely express your needs, thoughts, and desires in a way that will be received with love and validation? Are physical and emotional boundaries acknowledged and respected? Do you and your partner enjoy physical intimacy in other ways like kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling, etc.? The human brain operates in a way that was conceptualized by a guy named Maslow, and his famous hierarchy of needs. At the very bottom of the pyramid of human needs is physical safety; until you feel secure and safe in your environment, all else falls by the wayside as unimportant. But even when we feel incredibly safe and secure, our desire for sexual contact can still suffer. That's why it's important to take note of other ways you and your partner enjoy physical contact.
If, for whatever reason, other aspects of your relationship don't feel safe, or you don't feel that your emotional needs are being met, or that your boundaries are being respected, there are resources to help you. If it's a matter of emotional labor imbalance (and this happens quite frequently in cisheterosexual relationships where the woman is often responsible for tending to the emotional needs of everyone around her, on top of caring for the home, the children, and working a job outside the home), this can be worked through with the help of a professional. If, however, it's a matter of emotional or physical safety, it may be time to consider an exit strategy. You can reach out to a free, confidential, and trained advocate who may be able to help you determine how you'd like to handle the situation, and who can help you plan for safety whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not.
4. Are there any patterns or fluctuations?
So one thing that really bums me out about our current sex ed curriculum is that it doesn't discuss pleasure at all, as if pleasure is entirely separate from sex (this may explain QUITE a bit about the way female identified people experience sex actually, but that's a post for another time). This means that there's no discussion about fluctuations in drive and desire and pleasure throughout a person's life, even in the short term. Regardless of the body you have, lots of things can cause regular, patterned fluctuations in sexual drive and desire -- the season, the weather, regular hormone patterns. Especially for those with ovaries, sex drive tends to change throughout the menstrual cycle, reaching its peak (usually) during the fertile window, and decreasing, sometimes significantly, once ovulation has passed.
One way to keep track of any patterns or fluctuations is to simply write it down. Mark it on a calendar in some way, or on a chart, or in a bullet journal, or in your day planner, or whatever method you like. Simply make a note at the end of the day if you felt your desire for sex was low, medium, or high, and make note of any stressors or possible contributors as well, such as a bad day at work, or your period being about to arrive, or receiving a gift from your partner, or not feeling well. Even mark the weather! After about 30 days, you can go back and start to see patterns. Once you begin to understand how your own body reacts to the external and internal environment, you can make changes accordingly, and depending on what things are having an impact on your libido, one of those changes may simply be to embrace it for what it is until the moment has passed.
5. Have you talked with your partner about this? Communication is the biggest, most important skill to have in a relationship. Have you discussed your concerns with your partner? What do they feel about the changes in your level of interest? Does it even concern them at all? Are they maybe even glad that you're less interested because they're less interested too, and now they don't have to keep up with what they perceived was your need for sexual contact? I think we have this belief that a drop or change in desire is just the issue of the partner with the change, but really, this is an issue that concerns all parties in the relationship. After all, a relationship involves everyone who's in it, not just one person. Coming together to tackle the concern is easier, more efficient, and can help to uncover the contributing factors.
Sometimes finally getting the concern out there in the open can help relieve some of the pressure from the person with the low libido. It's no longer this secret, this quiet frustration that has to be dealt with alone. Now it's something that can be addressed from a team approach, with love and compassion. You may even find that this helps to bring things back into high desire land for you again, now that you're no longer in your head about it and can feel supported and seen.
6. Are you bothered by the change because you want to have more sexual contact, or are you bothered by the change because your friends, society, partner, the media all tell you you should be having more sex?
I think this is probably the most important question to ask. Do you know how much sex is the right amount of sex to have? You might want to sit down for this one. HOWEVER MUCH SEX YOU WANT TO HAVE. There is literally no figure or number that is the right amount, because each person and each relationship is different. The media makes it sound like healthy couples are having sex several times a week, but PLENTY of healthy, happy couples are having sex once a month, or once every six months, or 10 times a day. So if your concern is borne out of not feeling like you're keeping up with your friends, or society, or media, you can rest easy in knowing that literally no one is.
If it's a concern for you because your partner has expressed dissatisfaction with the drop in libido or enthusiasm or frequency of sex, this is where communication comes back into play, and this is also where a professional can help facilitate and guide the conversation so that it's productive. People have sex and crave sex for so many different reasons. Stress relief, emotional bonding with a partner, release of sexual energy, expression of love and caring, it feels good, procreation, money, altruistic desire to see a partner happy, makes them feel desired and attractive, etc. To help suss out your partner's feelings about the change in libido, it helps to try to understand what it is they enjoy about sexual contact, and then creatively and collaboratively come up with ways for you to meet those needs in other ways, in ways that don't make you feel pressured to suddenly crave sex more than you already do. Forcing yourself to meet your partner's sexual needs when you're not in the mood, even if it comes from a place of sincere selfless desire to please them, can breed resentment. So determine where your boundaries are in terms of this change in libido, and figure out what you're still down for doing that you enjoy that also helps to meet your partner's needs. Sometimes having steamy hot makeout sessions can do the trick. Sometimes making sure you hug your partner everyday helps. Sometimes naked snuggling in front of the TV helps curb the craving. Sometimes it can be as simple as reminding your partner that you find them physically attractive and desireable, and that you still love them. You may even find that after some time of this, your libido has returned. Once the pressure is off and you're able able to devote your time and energy to other things and showing affection to your partner in other ways, the libido mysteriously returns, and your craving for sex is back on the table.
If the concern is mainly yours (and your partner couldn't care one way or the other, or your desire even for solo sex has diminished), it's worth it to explore the questions above. And consider too that your desire may be reactive, meaning that it appears mostly once things have gotten going (this tends to be especially true for people born with vulvas). So see if a little hot kissing and touching or erotic material helps to get you in the mood and go from there.
Wherever the concern stems from, and no matter the cause, don't forget what I said above: changes in libido are normal. No one goes through life with a strong, high sex drive that never wavers ever. So have compassion for yourself and your body, and honor the messages it's giving you. You deserve that much.
For a great resource on this topic, check out the book Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep it Alive by Dr. Madeleine Castellanos.
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