CW: This post discusses sexual assault and the current climate within our rape culture, as well as depicts personal accounts of childhood sexual abuse. Please care for yourself first and foremost. If this is triggering to you, then know it's okay to skip over this post.
If you happen to be a human being who is alive and who has access to media outlets these days, undoubtedly by now you're aware of much that is happening in the realm of seeking justice for sexual assault survivors. Amidst accusations of sexual assault against Supreme Court Justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh and #whyididntreport, it would be hard to not at least have heard about what's going on.
But in case you haven't, here's a quick and dirty summary: women are coming forward with horror stories of sexual assault against them by men, powerful men, men in the public eye in various arenas, from the entertainment industry to politics. And with each new act of bravery that these women (and men too) are showing by coming forward and reporting their assaults, another wave of incredulity breaks among the public, and we begin to hear the all too familiar objections that every victim has heard: that can't possibly be true, he's such a nice guy; he has a family and would never do such a thing; she's just lying for the attention and the money; she's lying because she regrets having sex with him.
But my favorite objection (read: least favorite objection) is this: If it really happened as she said, or if it was really as bad as she says it was, why didn't she go to police? Why didn't she report it?
This question immediately elicits a reaction of rage in me, because it's the most ridiculous question in the world to me, but then I have to remind myself that this is my work, this is what I do all day everyday as a victim advocate, I know what the system actually looks like, from both a personal and professional experience. There are people, and maybe you're one of them, who don't know the truth of the way our system works (or rather, doesn't). So rather than being angry by the question, I figured the best way to combat it is to educate.
So, if you're wondering why victims don't always immediately report their assaults, keep reading.
Some do report it, and then nothing happens. As a child, I was molested by my uncle. I was 7 years old when he stood in front of me, pulled out his penis, thrust it into my face, and asked me if I wanted to suck it. I was fortunate enough that when I said no he let it be. But as soon as my mother came into the room, I told her, immediately. Again, I was fortunate enough that she took action on my behalf, and my uncle ended up going to jail, but not for long. I think he spent less than 3 years in jail for what he had done. When I was a little older, my mom's boyfriend at the time began to gradually abuse me. He once harangued me for what seemed like forever (but it was probably only ("only") about 10 or 15 minutes) to get me to masturbate in front of him so he could watch. I was probably 8 or 9 at the time. He would make me wash his hair for him while I was in the shower so he could see me naked. He offered to perform oral sex on me when I was 10 or 11, and around that same time, he once came into my room, got on top of me, and rubbed his crotch on my leg, saying to me, "Now you get to see what your mother goes through everyday" (he raped her everyday, sometimes several times a day, for 6+ years). I reported this to a trusted adult also (my mom was already fully aware, but her own trauma disallowed her from being able to support me in the way I needed, though she did try to poison him and kicked the shit out of him once in retaliation). A CPS investigation and a home counselor later and we all went on with our lives, including him. He was allowed to remain in the house. He was allowed to continue to abuse and control all of us. He never went to jail, was never punished.
And for others who do report, they are often give a runaround. Some are made to wait days for a forensic exam (rape kit). Sometimes when a forensic exam is performed, the kit doesn't even get tested -- it gets burned (true story -- Google it if you don't believe me). When they report, they often aren't believed or are blamed. When they report, they are referred to people who can't help them, simply because the person who they reported to, who can help them, doesn't want to help them. When they report, and things go well, they are forced to relive their trauma over and over again, and the criminal process takes for.ev.er. It can and does take YEARS from report to conviction to sentencing, and the entire time the victim is required to relive their trauma in front of strangers, over and over and over again. They are forced to sit in the same room as their abuser, often forced to look at them, to identify them, to point them out. And if a jury or a judge determines that a victim's testimony was not accurate enough, or if they are so traumatized that they cannot clearly recount the assault, they are determined to be an unreliable witness (because yes, in criminal cases, the victim isn't actually the victim -- the victim is simply a witness to the crime against the state) and the charges get dismissed, meaning the victim has relived everything for nothing (and may have to continue facing their abuser/attacker in their life as, without a guilty conviction or plea, the abuser/attacker goes free).
So even for those who do report, the justice meted out is often insufficient, or non existent (as I have personally experienced, and as I have seen in my work). For many of these victims who are coming out against these powerful men in the public eye, it's possible, likely even, that they reported to someone, but nothing was done.
Fear for their safety.
Most sexual assaults are carried out by someone who the victim knows. Rape culture wants us to believe that the rapist is the man skulking in the alley, waiting to abduct the cute girl walking alone at night and do unspeakable things to her. The truth is that the rapist is the partner you live with, the classmate you go to school with, the friend you talk to regularly. They are the coach, the professor, the mentor. They are our idols, our celebrity crushes, our politicians, our leaders. And if reading this makes you think "gosh, is anyone safe?" I want you to understand something, especially if you were not socialized female: those of us who grew up with public femme identities live this as our reality starting before puberty (the average age a girl experiences street harassment is 10 years old. Ten.). Because we have grown up with this, we carry this fear with us everywhere. So if you ever wonder why women are always crying about all the men being rapists, this is why. Because it has literally been all of these people, and could still literally be all of these people. Because we live in self-preservation survival mode, even unconsciously, and we have to approach all men with some suspicion, always looking out for red flags, because we have been hurt by these trusted men before, and don't know when it could happen again.
In the past year in my job as a victim advocate, I learned that forced sex is an indicator of lethality in relationships where domestic violence is occurring. Plainly, this means that when forced sex is happening (either by coercion, threats, or physical violence and restraint), the chances of that partner being killed by their abuser is increased just slightly (other indicators of increased lethality include but are not limited to choking/strangulation, direct threats to kill the victim, firearms in the home, children that the abuser knows are not biologically theirs, substance use that exacerbates the violence, when the abuser is unemployed, and when the victim/abused partner is attempting to flee or leave the relationship). People who are being abused by their partners, and even victims/survivors who were assaulted as a one off by a friend or acquaintance or a peer, have to take their safety into consideration when deciding whether or not to report. Each situation is so different. The circumstances that determine whether or not it's safe to report are going to vary from situation to situation and person to person. Victims/survivors have to determine what's at risk if they report: their physical safety, the safety of their children and family, their financial safety and security, all of it.
Fear for one's safety is a powerful motivator. Abusers know this. Abusers in positions of power know this even more. They use it to their advantage to keep their victims quiet.
Victims/survivors are shamed and blamed for their own assault.
One of the stabilizing foundations that keeps rape culture standing firmly above us all is the slut and victim shaming that our culture loves to cling to. That any person perceived to be female who has sex, with or without her given consent, is a slut, and is to be blamed for any danger or harm that should befall her, including sexual assault. Our society loves to look for reasons why a victim may have caused their own sexual assault, from their sexual history with the attacker or anyone else for that matter, to what they were wearing, to where they were hanging out, to what and how much they were drinking, to their substance abuse history, to how many children they have and how many fathers sired them, and so on and so on. I would like to say that this victim blaming mentality comes from a fear and a need to control the circumstances so that we can keep ourselves safe -- that if we could just identify the one thing that made someone a prime target, we could not do that thing, and thereby prevent being assaulted ourselves. But it's 2018, and at this point, I know, and everyone else knows, that the only thing that causes sexual assault is the assaulter. And yet society still tries to blame victims for being assaulted. It will drag them through the mud, tell them they're bad, dirty, disgusting, and that whatever happened to them was their own fault. I guarantee you, the victim/survivor is already hearing this narrative in their heads -- why would they risk having more of it flung at them from society by reporting, especially when no justice is likely to come of it anyway?
The "false report".
Most "false reports" are actually true reports of a sexual assault that actually happened. The research on this indicates that actual false reports of sexual assault (in which a sexual assault did not occur at all) is less than 1% of all reports. One of the other foundational legs upholding our current rape culture is that people seem to be confused about what sexual assault and consent are, and most people are not trauma informed (and this unfortunately includes those who really ought to be trauma informed in order to do their jobs properly). So when someone reports an assault that doesn't line up with the person receiving the report's definition of sexual assault, and/or the victim/survivor is foggy on details and timeline due to trauma, the allegations are determined to be false. How could a report of a sexual assault be true if 1. it's not "really" sexual assault and 2. the person can't even tell what actually happened? Obviously this person is a liar.
Reports where the victim/survivor initially gave and then withdrew consent are still valid reports of sexual assault; reports where the victim/survivor was threatened or coerced into sexual contact are still valid reports of sexual assault; reports where the victim/survivor was assaulted by their intimate partner, with whom they've had consensual sex in the past, are still valid; reports made by sex workers are valid; reports of unwanted sexual contact that doesn't include penetration or genital to genital contact are valid; reports made by MEN are valid; reports made by a victim/survivor who can't remember the details of when and where and their surroundings are STILL VALID. These are ALL valid reports, and they are ALL sexual assault.
Adding to those statistics are the number of victims/survivors who recant. Do you want to know why most victims/survivors recant their testimony? Please see above.
These are scary times we live in, friends. It's been a very difficult time on social media for so many of my friends and loved ones, who are reliving their own trauma because what's happening on the news echoes so closely their own experiences. What does that tell you that so many victims/survivors can relate so closely to what's happening in the news? Do we really want to reveal ourselves to be terrible people by daring to imply that these hundreds and thousands of people sharing their stories are lying? That they're making it up? That it wasn't really that bad? At this point, that's really what our "leaders" are saying. At this point, there's no doubt in my mind that they believe what happened; they just don't care.
So if you are a victim/survivor who has not reported, here's your reminder that you don't owe anyone your story or experience. You are not required to go to the police or law enforcement or your therapist or another human to share your trauma, unless it is what you want and unless it aligns with your needs.
If you are a victim/survivor who has reported, and has gone through all the obstacles and hurdles and overall shit that our system puts victims/survivors through, know that I see you, I hear you, I know your story is true, I know it has impacted you, it has changed your life, and I believe in your right to justice. You do not deserve what happened to you, and you do not deserve the continuing trauma of not being believed and being made to feel as if you are the one on trial.
And if, friends, you are the one to whom a victim/survivor reports, know that there are ways you can support them. Affirm them, validate their feelings and their experience. Let them know that you believe them and that what happened to them wasn't their fault. LISTEN to what they are telling you without judgement, without impressing your biases. If you are able to, hold space for them. If you don't feel you are resourced enough to do so, connect them with someone who can, like another trusted individual, or your local sexual assault program (RAINN.org will automatically connect you with your closest program). Do NOT tell them they need to report to police or other law enforcement (unless they want to); do not make it THEIR responsibility to save other potential future victims; do not ask them for any details that would imply their own guilt in what happened to them (like what they were wearing, why they were at that place, why they didn't call for help, etc.). What victims/survivors need in that moment is to know they are safe, at least for that moment, and that they are not alone in this process. You may very well be the one deciding factor that keeps someone alive, that helps to keep someone safe, and that encourages and empowers someone enough to move forward and heal.
For more information about sexual assault and resources for victims/survivors, visit RAINN.org or NSVRC.org (National Sexual
Violence Resource Center).
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