CW: TRAUMA (sexual and otherwise)
Hello, lovelies! Now, for some of you that managed to read through some of the site description and/or my site bio, you may recall some references to tarot, and my woo woo proclivities. Well, for the first time in the blog, we're going to Talk Tarot!
What could tarot possibly have to do with sex, or even relationships, you say? To that, I respond, "everything."
Now, regardless of your personal beliefs, religious or otherwise, I feel that tarot, with its subjective nature and the variety of art and decks out there that appeal to all interests, is an amazing tool of self reflection and meditation. Whether you believe it tells your future, your past, or simply states the present, or you believe they're just neat cards with pretty pictures, delving into the cards and their symbols and their messages can help bring to the surface so much that we have allowed ourselves to bury, rather than addressing those issues that would allow us to grow. For me, my practice and journey with the tarot is all about practicing mindfulness, and learning all the lessons and bits of wisdom that the Universe has to offer me.
That being said, one of my favorite things I own, besides my four decks, is the Biddy Tarot planner that my husband got me for Christmas last year. It's essentially a month by month workbook with new spreads to practice, a different card each month to focus on and meditate with, and places for goal setting and reflection. The author's apparently putting out another one for 2019, so if that sounds like something you're interested in, you should absolutely go check out her site at biddytarot.com.
For the month of August, the card to focus on and meditate with is Temperance. The graphic at the beginning of this post shows the Temperance card from each of my four decks (the Numinous Tarot, the Wild Unknown Tarot, the Fenestra Tarot, and the Gilded Tarot). I was actually very glad that Temperance was the card of the month, as it's always been a card that's given me some trouble in understanding. What I originally felt was a card simply about balance and moderation became, the more I meditated with it and learned about it, a card about transformation, about karma, about healing.
And this, friends, is where tarot, and Temperance, can teach us about relationships (sexual or otherwise), especially our relationships with ourselves.
If you were given the task of seeking out a single person who has never experienced trauma in their lives, I think you'd be hard pressed to find them. One of the hardest facts of life to accept is that life comes with suffering. Humanity is unfortunately a rowdy bunch, and in the process of each person and each group of persons trying to live their best lives on this rock we call Earth, we end up hurting each other. Sometimes intentionally, but most of the time I'd like to believe that even with the best intentions we can end up hurting others. Sometimes the trauma comes as something completely out of anyone's control, like natural disasters. But regardless of the intention or the locus of control, the fact still remains that traumatic events leave deep deep wounds within us, sometimes physical, sometimes emotional or spiritual, oftentimes some combination of the three.
And we go through our lives, daily, monthly, yearly, through the decades, carrying these wounds with us, and sometimes, again, because human beings are complex creatures who often make mistakes, something is said or done that hits the parts of us that are still tender, and that can elicit in us all sorts of reactions, from continuing to internalize the pain and the struggle, to lashing out, to crying, to being angry, to so much more. And even if nothing is said or done that hits those sore spots, there are often still circumstances that bring our attention back to those hurts, those scars.
This can be especially difficult when those traumas involve our bodies or our relationships.
We live in a world that is constantly trying to control women's bodies, and there is no shortage of societal traumas to subject them to. From female genital mutilation to diet culture to rape culture, women especially grow up, all over the world, internalizing the messages that their bodies are not good enough, their bodies do not belong to them, their bodies are not a safe place, and that is a daily trauma, reinforced over and over and over. We live in a world where toxic masculinity is the law of the land, where boys are socialized out of their feelings and out of their communication skills, where they are told to become men who rape, men who are disallowed fulfilling intimate relationships, men who continue the cycle of abuse and trauma against their partners, against strangers, against their classmates and peers; and that is a daily trauma, reinforced over and over and over.
We all live in this world; we are all experiencing the trauma on some level or other.
And when I look to the message of Temperance, I see there is hope for healing and for a better way. The common theme, at least in my four decks, is water and fire. Water signifying spirituality and emotions, fire signifying purification and passion. When these two elements come together, something alchemical happens, and what once was ceases to be, giving way to something new and extraordinary. I believe this is what can happen with our pain, with our hurts and traumas and scars.
To put this in more practical terms: finding the right combination of therapeutic outlets and supports can help us heal. The imagery of Temperance shows a back and forth give and take of water and fire, and for me, this is suggestive of the less than linear process of healing. Some days are good, some are great, and some we're right back in the thick of it, wondering if we're ever going to feel okay again. That is why it is so important to find that consistent support, because it will help to keep things stable, help to keep pushing you forward, and on the days that are exceptionally hard, will keep you from slipping all the way under. And these supports look different for everyone. It could be therapy or coaching, it could be medication, it could be talking with friends or family, or spending time with your pets, it could be reading -- self help or fiction or religious literature -- it could be bubble baths, it could be writing. It could be anything. What's important is that you find what works for you, and keep doing it. Don't continue to do something just because someone else told you it should be working, or because it worked for someone else. If your coping mechanism isn't helping you, then it's not the tool for you.
An exercise that can help you in determining what works for you is to pull out a piece of paper and make a list of:
People that make you feel good, or have made you feel good in the past -- this can include professionals as well Activities you enjoy, or have enjoyed in the past
Daily activities and routines that are important to you, like bathing, eating, praying, etc. -- oftentimes, we can feel in a funk if we skip any of our normal routines, and going back and doing the thing(s) we forgot to do when we're beginning to fall into the dark place of our trauma can sometimes help us recalibrate so that we can get the help we need
When we allow ourselves to heal, we are transforming ourselves, transforming our pain. What once hurt us so deeply becomes a bearable ache, maybe one that we don't even notice most days. We have transformed that pain into something different, and thereby transformed ourselves into something different, something powerful, something that transcends the trauma that occurred.
And this power is the power that helps to heal others in turn. The symbolism of energy -- specifically water, which is emotions and spirituality -- flowing back and forth alludes to the give and take nature of relationships. Now, I want to disclaimer this by saying that you owe no one anything in terms of your healing journey. Whatever your trauma, wherever you are in your journey, you do not owe anyone your story or your emotional labor and support. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you just aren't there and aren't resourced enough to be that support for another person, and that is OKAY. Part of healing from trauma is learning to draw healthy boundaries for yourself, and practice enforcing them. Especially in the beginning, right after a trauma has occurred, the body and spirit can feel very tender, and stretching ourselves beyond our emotional and physical limits can keep us from getting the rest that we need and deserve. So if you need to say no, if you need to distance yourself from others who are seeking support, to take care of yourself and your needs, know that that is okay.
If it ever turns out that you feel the time is right and appropriate to provide support to another by disclosing your own experience, and by sharing what's helped you to heal, then it is well within your right to do so. But it is never, and I mean never a requirement of your healing process.
If and whenever that time comes, in my experience, the disclosure of self, of the personal trauma, and of what's helped (or not helped) can suddenly become a part of the healing process itself. That giving of self and that connection over a shared experience suddenly lends more fire to the process, allowing for more healing and more growth. But this only works if the time is right, and when the choice is entirely yours. By opening your heart to share your experience, your heart is open to receive healing, whether from some inexplicable source that accepts your release of your burden, or by simply accepting that you aren't alone in your experience. As humans, we're social creatures, and we thrive off of connection with one another; when you give healing, you're open to receiving healing.
There is no doubt that trauma changes a person. Our brains store it, our bodies store it. It's likely we may never be the same after a traumatic event. And just as there are the stages of grief, I believe there are stages of mourning after a trauma has occurred -- after all, we have experienced a loss of some kind no matter the trauma, whether it be the loss of our naivete and perspective of the world, or the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a loved possession, or the loss of our safety. In that way, it makes perfect sense to grieve and feel bereft, to go from denial to anger to depression, through to the end of the list and back again (because remember, healing is not linear). But I think that when we talk about acceptance as the end of the process, whatever "the end" means, it's important that we try to understand that the hardest part about acceptance is accepting that we are different and changed. At least in my own experience, thinking on my past traumas, I get so mad that they happened in the first place, that I was made to go through such an experience. But little by little, in starts and stops and fits, I come to ascribe meaning to those experiences. For me, anyway, it's the only way that I can accept that they happened in the first place. And you, dear one, can find your own meaning and your own way, and in so doing, come a little closer each day to your own healing, your own transformation.
Finally, Temperance is about integration. Two or more things coming together to create one new thing. Sometimes, after we've experienced a traumatic event, we can feel as if we're split into two or more parts -- a before and an after; a sad version, a happy version, an angry version, a numb version; a hurt self and a healing self. In some extreme cases, where a person dissociates in order to protect themselves, this is literally the case. There is no wrong or right "version" of yourself after trauma. All of the faces you wear and feelings you carry and thoughts you have are right and normal. What I have found as I work through my own personal traumas, is that the healing process brings change, but also integration of these selves, these versions. It's not so much that these parts of myself go away, because they are part of who I am, and who I needed to become in order to protect myself, but that they integrate with other aspects of myself, which allows me to continue on feeling stronger and more capable. I think this experience is or can be the same for others too. The message of Temperance suggests that through integrating these parts of ourselves, we can find healing and soothing for our spirits.
The healing process and how trauma affects a person is so personal and individual. Maybe you're not at a place where healing can happen; maybe reading this makes you feel angry. That's okay. Your experience is valid, and however you end up finding peace, or making sense of your experience, or moving forward, or making change is okay and valid too. My hope is that this message will resonate with others who experience, or need to experience, healing in the way that I have.
And as you heal, in whatever way is best for you, you'll become as a blade tempered through fire, made stronger for having walked through the flames. That is my wish and my hope for you.
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