Happy New Year, loves! I hope everyone celebrated safely! And whether 2018 was the best or worst year of your life, whether you bid farewell to happy memories and cherished experiences or are just glad to see it's over, I hope that you get to step into 2019 with hope for the future and a little more kindness and compassion towards self and others.
This actually happens to be a personal goal of mine for this year, starting with my relationship with food and towards my body. Now, you may be wondering, and thinking to yourself, "Andrea, you sure do talk a whole heck of a lot about food and diet culture and body positivity these days. Aren't you a sex blog writer? What the heck has diet culture got to do with sex?"
Dear reader, I'm SO glad you asked.
When we look at what ANY diet tells us to do at its core, the name of the game is ignoring body cues like hunger and cravings, and restriction (of a type of food, of an entire category of food, like carbs, of the number of calories one eats in a day, etc.). It moralizes food into "good" and "bad" and places judgment on who we are as human beings when we acknowledge our hunger, give in to our cravings, or don't restrict as carefully as our chosen diet would have us do. Just look at the language we use when we "fail": I've been so BAD this holiday season. I'm going to have to PAY FOR slipping up and having a real cookie instead of a keto cookie. I'm so hungry all the time still -- I must not be doing this diet RIGHT.
First off, regardless of how much or little you ate over the holiday season, unless you kicked puppies or stuffed someone in a garbage can or were unnecessarily mean to someone, you're probably a pretty decent, if not great, human being. You're not bad, even if you went back for seconds, thirds, or fourths, even if you indulged in pie a la mode, even if you ate every single carb on the table. Eating food you enjoy with people you enjoy isn't a sin that requires payment -- you don't have to earn the right to eat good food with the people you like (or even by yourself). And hey, if you're hungry or having cravings while on your diet, it's your body's way of telling you it needs something that it's not getting -- the only thing not being done is honoring that need, which still doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a human being who, like other human beings, is a product of their culture. That's okay. These things can be unlearned and healed from.
Many people who diet have been doing so for years. Like, since they were children. Either because societal pressures made them feel that their body needed changing in some way, or a parent encouraged them to diet along with them. By the time they reach adulthood, they're a pro at tuning out their body's messages and ignoring the cues that tell them their body needs or craves or wants something. Rumble in the tummy? Drink water. Craving a slice of cake? Eat a vitamin first and see if that helps. Still hungry after eating only 17 calories? Try going longer without food and see if that helps.
So, when it comes to sex and pleasure, is it any wonder people have such a lousy time in the bedroom? We literally don't understand how to listen to what our body is telling us because we've become so good at trying to ascribe alternative meanings to its cries for nourishment and pleasure. Let's set aside for a minute the fact that our sex education system is garbage, because that certainly doesn't help anything. But when I was working with women and femme identified folx, I had so many people come to me and tell me "I don't know what I like. I don't really know what I want to try." Or lately I've been reading quite a bit about ciswomen who deny their pleasure for the sake of their partner's (which is nothing new, I've just been reading about it a lot lately). They either feel they don't need to have their needs met, or don't know how to guide their partner to help them meet their needs, or, worse yet, they aren't even aware that the stress they feel, the shame they feel, the lack of connection they feel, is due to them not even hearing what it is their body is telling them it needs. Ciswomen especially have been targeted by diet culture (because you can't fight for your place in this world if you're literally dying of starvation), and literally don't know how to listen to their bodies. They've become so accustomed to ignoring their body's cues for hunger and craving and pleasure that it impacts even their sexuality (because what is sexual desire but a hunger and a craving for sexual and sensual pleasure?).
And let's talk about doing things just for pleasure for a hot second. Ever notice how "because it feels good" doesn't tend to be an acceptable reason for doing things? Especially not eating or sex. Much like those who have sex just for pleasure, and not because they love the person, or are in some deep, intimate relationship, or want to strengthen their bond with their partner, those who eat food because it brings them pleasure are often judged as filthy heathens who have no control over their basest urges. News flash: we have been eating and stimulating our bodies for pleasure since birth. Newborns nurse for sustenance and comfort, and those needs don't suddenly go away when you hit adulthood. Eating for sustenance and pleasure are still both valid reasons for consuming food that our diet culture would have you believe is wrong. Eat only to "perfect" your body is the name of the game. The same with sex, though at least there we're getting a little better. Still, especially for those not in a committed sexual relationship, to go out and find someone and ask for your needs to be met because it's something you enjoy is seen as morally abject.
So we learn to stuff it down. Asking for pleasure, and doing something because it brings us pleasure is bad. If it isn't helping us achieve some higher purpose, it's bad.
Screw that. I say pleasure is a higher purpose. Eat the cookie. Eat the cookie.
So, my darlings, when you see me posting so much about weight acceptance, and body diversity, and intuitive eating, and health at every size, know that it is all so very relevant to being able to experience sex without shame, without drama, without performance, and with all the joy and pleasure we all deserve. When you aren't constantly obsessing over the food you ate or didn't eat, when you know that your body is just going to be what it'll be because that's what bodies do, and not because you're a garbage person who ate one carb more than they should have, when you know that your birthright is pleasure in all its forms, you become free to pursue it and to fully enjoy it.
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For more information about body acceptance, intuitive eating, and body trust, I recommend the following resources: the Food Psych Podcast with Christy Harrison; Be Nourished; and Virgie Tovar, who is one of my favorite fat activists to follow right now.
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