Kids, gather around, and let's hear the tale of Sex and the Virginity Myth. It's a great one, one that begins with intangible social constructs designed to control women and their sexual behavior for the sake of men, and that ends happily with the truth, that virginity doesn't exist in any physical or physiological sense, and that one can do with their body what they choose.
To define sex, one must define the idea of virginity, and to define the idea of virginity, one must define sex. The two are nearly inextricable from one another, and that's really rather unfortunate.
If one were to try to define sex based on what's taught in most Western sex ed curricula, what you're going to see is a lot of talk about penises and vaginas, and the two coming together to ruin your life forever, and hanging in the balance is this idea of virginity. The second a penis goes into a vagina, virginity is "lost". No one knows quite where it goes, but it seems to go missing for the rest of someone's life in most cases (though there are those who are able to reclaim their virginity for the sake of higher causes, such as religion, though I'm not entirely sure what that does exactly. Does the virginity return? Does the sex unhappen? Is it like a time machine? I have these and many other questions regarding the matter.). There are even some people who go beyond the penis in vagina definition of sex and losing one's virginity to include tampons in vaginas, toys in vaginas, and in some cultures, gynecological instruments used for routine health exams in vaginas.
Virginity conjures up ideas of purity, of cleanness, of positive moral standing (this is why so many monsters demand them as sacrifices). A virgin has never let their genitals touch the genitals of another person, and is therefore holy, innocent, untainted. In the realm of Western sex ed where abstinence only curricula are all the rage, this idea of virginity is sold as the only safeguard against STIs and pregnancy, and of course against moral degradation. It's taught right alongside completely inaccurate information about the human body. For example, these curricula teach that pregnancy can happen at any time (it can't); they teach that the hymen is a physiological necessity in order to indicate one's virginity (and therefore one's purity), and that it can only be broken through painful intercourse (which is false -- the hymen is a ring of muscular tissue around the vaginal opening that stretches more than it's torn, and does so during routine things such as walking, playing sports, riding a bike, gynecological exams, etc.). It is taught that sexual pleasure is this magical thing that happens only between a husband and wife, and only when the husband's life changing penis pierces the innocent and passive and receptive maidenhead of the untouched wife. If virginity is to be claimed by any man before that time, the wife is apparently ruined for life. Her vagina widens into an abyss, covered in sores, and her craving for sexual pleasure will never be satiated by just her husband because she has known at least one too many penises. Like, I literally cannot make this up, this is what our slut shaming society teaches, preaches, and believes.
It seems ridiculous, right? But this construct and the beliefs surrounding it have existed for thousands of years all across the world. It kept women at the mercy of the men who ruled them. Because if a woman understands that sex is pleasurable, and that she is entitled to that pleasure, then she may be encouraged to seek out pleasure in that and other things, with anyone; but if she believes that sex is simply something she is required to give her husband, for his pleasure, and the sake of bearing children, then she has no say in any of it. Her consent is not required, because her husband is entitled to her body by virtue of his being her husband. And in cultures where polygyny is/was practiced, the idea of virginity is even more obviously about controlling women (because a man is not required to be a virgin in order to ensure the sanctity of his marriage to multiple women, but a woman is required to be a virgin in order to?). But even as our ideas about relationships have evolved, we still can't seem to shake this idea that virginity is somehow linked to purity, to some moral standard.
And these teachings continue to be problematic, for so many reasons.
1. They're hetero and cisnormative, as well as ableist. Does this mean that same sex couples can never have sex and therefore remain virgins until they seek out opposite sex partners? I guess that's a good thing for anyone who enjoys a more sexually casual lifestyle. Just have sex with those who have the same genitals as you and you'll be a virgin forever! But this also is a very transphobic view, assuming that all men have penises and all women have vaginas, and that those are the only two sets of genitals that should ever meet. It also leaves people in disabled bodies out of the equation (yes, they have sex too!). Many people, for many reasons, may not be able to engage in penetrative sex. Perhaps it causes pain. Perhaps assistive devices prohibit penetration. Perhaps the disability itself involves the genitals. Regardless, they are still capable of sex (they just may need to be a bit more creative and patient) -- it just might not look like a penis going into a vagina.
2. It emphasizes that there is a hierarchy of relationship statuses that places marriage at the top. Guess what? Not everyone wants to get married. Not everyone will get married, for a variety of reasons. And that's okay. A married relationship is no more meaningful or significant than a cohabitating relationship, a dating relationship, a friends with benefits relationship, a sex worker/patron relationship, a friendship. It's just different, and requires more paperwork. To assume that marriage is the only appropriate time to have sex implies that there can't be intimacy of any kind in any other relationship. That only two people who have committed to filing their taxes together and signing a contract are able to handle sex, and everyone else isn't serious (or else are just in it for the sex, which is valid reason to have a relationship as long as everyone's in agreement with the arrangement). That's just not true, and we need to stop perpetuating the idea.
3. Virginity is wrapped up in this concept of lack of sexual knowledge (aka innocence and purity of mind). But people can learn about and explore sexuality through a variety of ways that isn't sex, and sexual pleasure can be experienced all by oneself. Watching porn, reading erotic fiction, writing erotic fiction, masturbation, fantasizing -- these are all ways in which we explore our erotic selves and our erotic inner worlds, and they can be done 100% solo, and 100% without anyone's genitals touching anyone else's. It is entirely possible for someone to engage in intercourse (because, let's face it, Western sex is based entirely on the definition of penis in vagina intercourse) for the first time and know exactly what they want, how they want it, and even have language to support and ask for those things (as they should! That may be a post for another time). Fun fact: before I had had the sex, I once had a guy that I was interested in having sex with tell me he didn't think I was a virgin because of how sexually confident I was at the time. Fun fact numero dos: I'd had plenty of time to explore on my own, with myself, to know what I wanted and to ask for it. (Unrelated, I did not end up having sex with that person, and I think I'm pretty okay with that).
4. It leads to sexual dissatisfaction and anxiety later on down the road. Whaaaaaaaaat? How can that be? Virginity is meant to protect everyone from having any sexual problems ever! Except that when you define sex as only penis in vagina, you run into anxiety and depression over the frequency of intercourse, you run into confusion on how to handle the normal sexual changes that accompany aging or illness, you run into boredom with the same moves, you run into this idea that you have a crappy sex life because someone's vagina hasn't had a penis in it for over five months. But when we broaden and expand our definition of sex to include a full body experience, creativity and magic happen. What if sex didn't have to involve genitals at all? What if it didn't have to end in orgasm? What if none of the participating folx even had to touch each other? Sex, like virginity, has only the meaning we give it. Sex can be masturbating next to each other. Sex can be stimulating a soft penis that never ejaculates but still feels pleasure. Sex can be using a toy on yourself while your partner watches. Sex can be reading erotic fiction to each other. Sex can be mouths on breasts and nipples, on fingers, on toes, on ears, on mouths. Sex can be tantric energy exchange and deep breathing. Sex can be a three hour long process or a forty second experience. It can be so many things. And suddenly, there are options. Suddenly, you aren't constrained to using only the slide on the playground. You can use the monkey bars, the carousel, the swings, the ropes, the ground, the benches. When you expand the definition of sex, you expand your pleasure.
5. It places added unnecessary shame and stigma on those who already face them after a boundary violation has occurred. Sexual assault is a real problem in our world. Roughly 1 in every 3 ciswomen and 1 out of 6 cismen will be assaulted in their lifetime (and the numbers are probably much higher due to the stigma of reporting and all of the nonsense and drama that often follows reporting). So when virginity is held as a virtue, and someone experiences a violation of their consent and their body, what does that mean for them? Are they no longer virgins? Are they no longer clean and innocent? Not only is someone now carrying the trauma of having been assaulted, but they are now carrying the shame of being blamed for it (because yes, victim blaming is still unfortunately a thing too), but now they're also being judged for not having their virginity intact. In countries where having one's virginity (applied to ciswomen) is the difference between life and death, sexual assault carries an even higher burden.
6. A woman's sexual history (real or imagined) is still used as a scapegoat to abuse, harass, and oppress her. Think about it. Women are meant to somehow uphold this dichotomy of simultaneous sexual purity and promiscuity. She needs to be untouched by man, but still act and dress and perform as if she lives only for the sexual pleasures of men. But not too much, because then she's a slut. But not too little, because then she's a prude. And it doesn't matter what the truth is, because anything bad that happens to her is her own fault, anything bad that happens to her is because she acted just a little too much like a slut. Sexually assaulted? Sexually harassed? Catcalled on the street? It's because she gave the impression she was DTF with anyone, at any time. Or because she had had sexual relations with that person in the past. Or because she wore a lacy thong (and only people who are interested in having sex with anyone, at any time wear lacy thongs). Or because she's a sex worker who performs sex on camera, in person, on a stage (and only women who have insatiable appetites, who live for the pleasure of men d those things). Or because she mentioned once that she enjoys sex. Or it's even perceived that she might have had sex once at some point. But if she had been a virgin, none of it would have happened (which obviously isn't true). No one ever cites the complete and utter disregard that that abuser had for her bodily autonomy (which includes her right to act, dress, work, and exist however she likes) and right to consent.
7. Being a virgin becomes an identity unto itself, which can have devastating effects on a person's sense of self once they have had any sort of sexual experience. I read this article once by a Christian woman who seriously resented growing up with the virginity myth. She waited until marriage to have sex, as she was taught all good Christian girls do, and once she and her husband had had sex for the first time, she literally didn't know how to define herself anymore. She had grown up identifying with this concept of "virgin" her whole life, complete with the purity balls and the pledging of her virginity to her father (which is gross and creepy for SO many reasons), that when she finally had sex for the first time, she felt suddenly dirty and impure. And that's because she grew up inside a culture that taught her that sex was bad, dirty, immoral. Even though she had waited until marriage (which is totally a valid choice to make) to have sex she could not separate sex inside of a marriage from sex in general, and her entire identity had been wrapped up in her virginity, in her pureness of body. But now that she had "lost her virginity", she felt a loss of a sense of self.
Which brings me to my final point ...
8. Teaching the "loss of virginity" concept really makes it sound as if we are losing a part of ourselves, when really, we're gaining an experience. When I had sex for the first time, the only thing I lost was the ridiculous notion that sex was some magical mystical thing that would make me into a completely different person. What I gained was so much more than anything I could have "lost" in that moment. I've recently been reading the idea of a "sexual debut" to combat the "loss of virginity" idea, and I have to say, I kind of like it. It's like you've arrived on the scene, ready to explore and experience new things, and that can look however you want it to! It doesn't have to be penis in vagina. It doesn't have to involve genitals at all! It doesn't even have to involve another person. Losing your virginity isn't a thing, because there's nothing to lose in the first place. You aren't losing your purity, your innocence, your lovability, or your credibility. You are gaining knowledge, about your body, about communication, about pleasure, about boundaries, about your needs. It's fine if you want to wait til after marriage to have sex. That's your prerogative. Just know that whether you choose to wait til marriage or not, you haven't lost anything.
So can we please stop it with this virginity myth? Can we please stop acting as if vaginas that have had one, two, ten, thirty seven penises in them are somehow less than vaginas that have had zero penises in them? Can we please stop acting like the types of genitals getting involved have any bearing at all? And can we please top acting as if pleasure, for any reason, but including for its own sake, is a bad thing? Please, and thank you.
Comments